Attorney (of) Privilege

(A version of this post first appeared on the citizen.education website.)

Alert the media: a Kardashian has decided to do something besides whore for the media! (Just kidding. This venture has and will be whored out via the media as well.) #YouThought

In her most recent interview and first ever solo cover of US Vogue (Reminder: Beyonce hit it first), Kimberly Kardashian West divulges that since last summer, she has been studying to become a lawyer. WORD?!? This is kinda amazing! Everyone knows she is rebranding, but this is totally unexpected! Is she going to USC and getting a PolySci degree? Maybe after graduation, she’ll go to Stanford Law, or follow in her dad’s footsteps at University of San Diego School of Law…oh…wait. Hold up. She’s not going to undergrad? She’s not going to law school? Then how TF…?!?

Turns out, ladies and gents, there are four states in the continental US whose archaic laws still allow for non-degreed persons to apprentice versus attend school in order to sit for their State Bar and become a lawyer: CA, VA, VT, and WA. (It should be noted that this was practice before the advent of Law Schools in America.) So Kimberly’s pursuit—while not commonly practiced or successful—is not unheard of. Interestingly enough, it’s actually been gaining attention and popularity over the past few years for college grads who desire to become a lawyer, yet don’t have the money for law school. The rising costs of education in this country is making Legal Apprenticeship options some law aspirants’ only hope.

But let’s get this straight: someone who is insanely popular, that actually has the money to pay for undergrad and professional school, decides to become a lawyer…yet is not going to attend undergrad or professional school to do so. INSTEAD, this person is using the trifecta of wealth, popularity, and privilege to take a shortcut, therefore bypassing the standards set for everyone else. Is Lori Loughlin a Kardashian family friend? Asking for reasons…*side eye*

You may be of the opinion that ANY effort toward getting a Kardashian off of Insta is a great effort and should not be criticized. That would be fine, if not for the blatant slap in the face this is to every person that struggled through undergrad and law school (and are still struggling to pay for it). Understand this: people who are able to, yet choose to avoid the full blood, sweat and tears process of attaining a law degree probably shouldn’t practice law or be called a lawyer. Preparation for the kind of intense, grueling work a law career brings comes through the PROCESS. Throughout the process, there are standards which measure how well you study, comprehend, retain and regurgitate material necessary for proficiency in the field. This is why schools are accredited as a measure of their competency, and why you need a degree from an accredited institution in order to attain entry into professional school. Your graduation from a professional school means (rather, is supposed to mean) that you have proven your competency to enter the field. Not only does she lack undergraduate level training, Kimberly may not have the staying power on a professional level either. She stated in her interview: “First year of law school, you have to cover three subjects: criminal law, torts, and contracts. To me, torts is the most confusing, contracts the most boring, and crim law I can do in my sleep. Took my first test, I got a 100. Super easy for me. The reading is what really gets me. It’s so time-consuming. The concepts I grasp in two seconds.” Well, gee. If grasping concepts was all you needed, a law professor could do a TEDTalk on Facebook, and we’d all be lawyers. Additionally, reading is like, 80% of being a lawyer. So…come again?

It should be no surprise that one of Kimberly’s major supporters is America’s favorite wishy washy political pontificator—ol’ milk dud headed ass Van Jones. They worked together on the widely known Alice Johnson case, brought last year before the current occupant of the White House for commutation. The case gained awareness due to Kardashian’s involvement and the media storm surrounding it is what piqued her interest in learning more about the law. It is through Jones’ #cut50 initiative that her apprenticeship is being carried out.

For those worried about how she plans to juggle her Calabasas based business with her required apprenticeship attendance 6 hours away in the San Francisco area, have no fear. Wealth, popularity, and privilege pay a part here as well. According to the interview: “…Kim’s two mentor lawyers, Jessica Jackson (with a half-asleep baby draped over her shoulder) and Erin Haney, show up. The three of them are scheduled to study for four hours this afternoon, in an office conference room not far from here—so that Kim does not have to travel every week to San Francisco, as she has been doing since July, to log her required eighteen hours of weekly supervised study.” I’d be willing to bet cash money that any other legal apprentice would not be afforded such flexibility or concession, especially from a mentor lawyer who JUST had a baby.

The fact that she has been afforded this opportunity is yet another example of how white mediocrity stays winning in this country. Monied white people have been paying to play in every professional arena there is, jumping the line while unqualified and amassing wealth, connections, and prestige galore. They keep the circles tight and impenetrable, scrutinizing the resumes and pedigrees of those who have worked hard to clear the hurdles they set, while walking their rich, socialite, celebrity friends around them. When you only have to compete against folks who are as mediocre as you, of course the winning feels valid. It’s why, when minorities slip through and prove to work harder, better, faster, stronger, talks of eliminating affirmative action arise. (But that’s another topic for another day.) Sure, this is the way everything in the world works; no matter the situation or profession, it’s all about who you know. This is absolute truth. That doesn’t mean it’s right, though.

Lowering the bar for the unqualified and unwilling to work rich and famous only hurts our society as a whole. It demonstrates that standards are flexible for those connected to the gatekeepers, and that being rewarded on merit is an impossibility (so, why try?). The people who "work the system" are the ones jacking everything up; they have no clue what they’re doing because they’ve bypassed every standard set up to demonstrate their competency. This means everyone surrounding them has to work harder to ensure they don't pull the whole thing under with their ineptitude. We should be TIRED of cleaning up the messes made by those who skated in on their name, celebrity, money, and connections. That’s how we ended up with a reality tv show celebrity as leader of the free world, who only understands what’s right or wrong if another reality tv show celebrity explains it to him. Maybe she told him his ratings would improve if he commuted Ms. Johnson’s sentence. I’m not mad at the outcome, because thank GOD that woman is free from that ridiculously egregious sentence. But if being intellectually dishonest to sway someone into getting what you want is Kimberly Kardashian West’s superpower…hell, maybe she’ll be a good lawyer after all. If not, there’s always politics. And she already has a MAGA hat in her bedroom.

#MuteRKelly4ever

(A version of this post first appeared on the citizen.education website.)

The first week of 2019 offered us an informative and nauseating—yet necessary— docuseries on Robert Sylvester-the-child-molester Kelly, better known publicly as musician R. Kelly. Rumors about Kelly’s predilection towards teenage girls were confirmed, and allegations of his constant, consistent abuse of women were laid bare. For most people familiar with the self proclaimed “pied piper of R&B,” the doc uncovered nothing new. Kelly’s career has been haunted by his predatory perversions since the 90’s (Read: We know this fool is a nasty ass creep. Who names THEMSELVES “the pied piper,” a character known for leading children off a cliff with music? A NASTY ASS CREEP IS WHO).

But seeing the episodes professionally compiled, coupled with heartbreaking images of parents trying desperately to communicate with their brainwashed, sequestered daughters, brought Kelly’s ghosts of misdeeds past (and present) to life in 2019. What remains most frightening is the number of people who continue to support his nasty ass. Most of Robert’s supporters fall into the 40+ age bracket, meaning they are too damn old and have too many gigs on their data plans to fall for the okie doke, therefore should absolutely know better. They’ve convinced themselves that the survivors are lying, but like the old folk say: “Everybody ain’t telling the SAME lie on you.” He has male and female supporters alike, which should make any decent human being cringe in horror. The female supporters are quite the conundrum; for starters, they’re absolutely too old for him to find desirable, so if they’re holding out hope that their fandom will win them a place in Robert’s heart, bed, or song lyrics, they are sadly mistaken. Additionally, as a woman, they should be fully aware of how young girls are routinely targeted for sexual abuse by older men, and usually suffer in silence. They probably have girls in their own households or families who have been abused, but after seeing their reactions to the R. Kelly situation, will never say a word.
 
Most Generation Xers/Xennials were in middle or high school when 25 year old Kelly hit the music scene with the group Public Announcement. The group found fast fame with their debut album and New Jack Swing sound, which was hugely popular in 1992. The album produced enough hits for Kelly to venture out solo, and the next year his “12 Play” album became one of R&B’s sexiest chart toppers. Even though most were too young to engage in the activities Kelly crooned about, he cemented his place in that generation’s musical consciousness and earned hardcore fans. During this time, he was also known to be a constant presence outside of Kenwood Academy, his former high school, propositioning (or having members of his crew proposition) the girls attending the school. Due to his fame it was an easy task, and he readily avoided ridicule and resistance from surrounding adults.

Let’s hear that one mo’ time: a 25 year old man was able to prey on girls aged 13-17 for years, at their school, just because he had popularity and money. Tha hell? Where were the administrators? The teachers? Where were the big brothers/cousins/uncles/daddies who would whoop a dude’s ass for this? Where were the cops, who were supposed to be protecting and serving these CHILDREN? (Allegedly, Kelly had police officers on his payroll then and now to keep him out of trouble. There is currently no evidence to support this claim…besides the fact that he is still walking around as an unharmed, free man.) Is the proximity to money and power so intoxicating that people are willing to offer up young girls as a sacrifice to have it? In the case of R. Kelly, it seems that way.

Around this same time, Kelly was grooming 14 year old label mate Aaliyah Haughton as an artist…and as a lover. He was lead writer and producer on her 1994 debut album, whose “Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number” title was, in hindsight, a reflection of his relationship with the singer. (Newsflash: Robert BEEN a bold ass, nasty ass MFer.) As much as they attempted to keep it under wraps, people detected something untoward going on in this supposed mentor/mentee situation. The docuseries produced witnesses that revealed 27 year old Kelly’s illegal marriage to Aaliyah happened due to a pregnancy scare when she was 15, and that forged documents were produced to claim she was 18 (the marriage was annulled by her parents months later). After the annulment, Aaliyah ended her contract with Jive and severed all ties with Kelly and his crew (See? This is what happens with parents who cared more about their child’s welfare than fame, fortune or even HER career).

Amid sexual harassment charges that were settled out of court, what brought Kelly’s behavior to the legal spotlight in 2001 was the now infamous “pee tape”—a video recording of Kelly and an obviously young girl (said to be 13/14 at the time of the recording), having sex with and urinating on her. This young girl was actually the daughter of Kelly’s guitarist and niece to his former background singer turned protege, Sparkle. According to Sparkle, when she found out her niece was being sexually abused by R.Kelly, she went to her siblings, but nothing was done. When asked to testify in court, Sparkle identified the young girl on the tape as her niece, but the girl and her parents refused to testify. Due to their refusal, R.Kelly has never been found guilty of any legal misconduct and has remained free to wreck havoc upon others. (See? THIS is what happens with parents who care more about fame, fortune and their careers than their child’s welfare.)

The doc goes on to highlight victim after victim of Kelly’s manipulative abuse, some of which are still, to this day, under his control. Timothy and Jonjelyn Savage went to the media with their claims that R. Kelly is holding their daughter Joycelyn hostage, refusing to allow her to contact them. Joycelyn later appeared in a TMZ video denying the claim, yet it was reported by a former Kelly employee Joycelyn was coached on what to say, and Savage’s father points out where you can see someone signaling her in the shadows on the recording. Angelo and Alice Clary, whose daughter Azriel has not talked to them for three years since turning 18 and running off with Kelly, attempted to get Chicago PD to do a wellness check at the studio where she is allegedly living with Kelly. CPD’s hands were tied, however, and the parents were denied any access. The Savages and Clarys are still fighting to contact their daughters, and reportedly, Kelly is facing criminal investigations in both Georgia and Chicago after the docuseries aired.

That it took a major network to air a 6 hour, 3 day special for most people to pay closer and more serious attention to this situation is mind boggling. This should serve as a wake up call in our communities to not only #BelieveSurvivors, but to also remove celebrities and people with money and influence from the pedestals of immunity when it comes to harming our children. No song is worth more than a child’s innocence. No amount of money is worth selling out our youth. For those that want to continue to support deviants like R. Kelly, step your ass in the name of sexual assault and criminality from now on—because you have no idea what the word love means. The faster we #MuteRKelly, the less likely anyone in the future will have to proclaim #MeToo from his reign of terror.

Megyn KKKelly LEARNED Today

(A version of this post first appeared on the citizen.education website.)

Time to take out the trash…

Last year amid side eyes and confusion, former Fox News Host Megyn KKKelly, awash in white privilege, was gifted her own morning show on NBC. From the start, Kelly seemed an odd and unwelcome choice to the Today show line up; Her brand, which usually caters to obtuse, bottom feeding, nitwits that think “fair and balanced” means “bigoted rhetoric only white people who vote against their best interests believe,” doesn’t really match a partisan neutral, family station like NBC.

The previous 9 AM slot, a ratings leader hosted by venerated veteran Al Roker and walking, talking #BlackGirlMagic, Tamron “your fave could NEVA” Hall, was doing great, and the change seemed antithetical to the progress the network was making. It felt like a move by somebody who wanted to Make Morning Shows Great Again. Most people saw this for what it was—a whitewashing of the daytime lineup, and the National Association of Black Journalists even released a statement calling NBC to the carpet. Yet, NBC persisted.

In September, “Megyn Kelly Today” debuted with special guests, the cast of Will and Grace. It took no time at all for her true colors to come shining through. Kelly surprised a Will and Grace superfan with tickets to a taping of the show. She awkwardly joked not once, but twice about the fan’s sexuality. Debra Messing, replying to those who questioned her appearance on the episode, informed the public that the cast didn’t even know they were going to KKKelly’s show. Which lends credence to the rumors that NBC was having a rough time booking celebrities who weren’t already on their payroll to come and chat it up with Aryan Pride Barbie. The show consistently floundered; Megyn’s constant gaffes as she tried to be a real girl instead of the wooden trash she’s made of, gave her show publicity for all the wrong reasons. She was out of her element having to talk to normal Americans instead of Fox News viewers, and the struggle translated into terrible ratings. The third hour of Today was down nearly 30% in their key demographic.

In her latest show of incompetence and inherent racism, KKKelly decided to question why it’s wrong for white people to wear blackface for Halloween.  Lemme say that again: THIS FOOL WANTS TO KNOW WHY IT IS WRONG FOR WHITE PEOPLE TO WEAR BLACKFACE FOR HALLOWEEN. Which indicates that she understands that it’s wrong, in GENERAL, but for ONE DAY? Y’all gon’ police racism on the ONE DAY she’s supposed to be able to get away with it? Y’all can’t let her have this ONE DAY?!?! What is WRONG with y’all? Y’all have Bella Noche’d Megyn’s holiday! Y’all upsetting her and her homegirls, because they feel like, well damn, if you can’t go full racist on Halloween, when the hell can you go?!?!?

Turns out never, if you want to keep a job that isn’t on Fox News. On Thursday, Oct. 25th, 2018—one year and one month after the debut of her horrible show, KKKelly has been fired amid the blackface backlash. Now, you can imagine her shock and confusion, seeing as though back in 2013, while on her previous network, it was perfectly fine for her to spew ignorance as fact by saying Santa Claus, a fictional character actually based on a Greek/Turkish man, was “just white.” Megyn tried to calm all the little klansmen in training by stating: “And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa, but Santa is what he is, and just so you know, we’re just debating this ’cause someone wrote about it, kids.” Did she stop there? OH NO. She then went on to say that Jesus, of Nazareth, born in a manger in Bethlehem, a Galilean Jew who died in Jerusalem, was also white. And that it was just a fact: “Jesus was a white man, too… He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa. I just want the kids watching to know that.” I would just like to remind everyone that Galilee is in close proximity to the countries we know today as Syria and Iraq—the homelands of people good ol’ “Christian" Fox viewers love to hate. I’d also like to remind folks that “The Kelly File” aired at 9 PM on weeknights. Megyn thinking “kids” were actually up watching her show is almost as confusing as her thinking Santa is real and Jesus is white.

KKKelly’s show being pulled off the air is definitely the proper response to her comments, her lack of awareness, her lack of talent, and her overall garbage existence. Yet, we still have to question WHY she was given the job in the FIRST place. It’s not like she has ever shown a penchant for factual journalism or possesses likability. But THIS is who NBC overlooked Tamron Hall for. THIS is who NBC paid $69 Million to, TWENTY TIMES more than Tamron was paid. THIS is who NBC built a $10 Million studio for. Of of the myriad ways to waste money, THIS is how NBC chose to do so, and rumor has it there’s no way out of fulfilling that $69 Million contract, even though Megyn only “earned” $20 Million since the show was cancelled in the first year. Meanwhile, Tamron is outchea living her best life on another network, and throwing expert shade at the network that picked White mediocrity over Black excellence (as is routine on a daily basis in all industries across America.…*sigh*).

I don’t know if NBC has ever taken such a huge L, between the ratings drop, the damaged reputation, the blowback AND the millions? That’s quite a hit. But what can they expect when they hire and validate proven racists like KKKelly and her ilk?

Guess they gon’ learn TODAY. 

Bizarro World Shenanigans

If 2018 hasn’t been confusing enough for you, here’s a little conundrum to ponder: while Kanye “slavery was a choice” West is running around here in MAGA hats and supporting Donald Trump, his arch nemesis, Taylor “we still don’t know how you won that VMA over Beyonce´ but whatever” Swift is throwing her public support behind the democrats running for Congress in her home state of Tennessee. Yes folks, you read that right: that leggy loaf of Wonder Bread who crafts an ear worm like no other; the patron saint of melanin deficient, boy-crazy basicness; the poster girl for all things vanilla pop; THAT TAYLOR SWIFT is pledging to vote blue in a red state, while Ye is supporting red pols in a blue state. What. Is. Happening.

On Sunday, October 7th, Taylor released an IG post that broke from her usual silence on politics. It was provocative! It got the people going! She denounced republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn, stating Blackburn’s abysmal voting record as the reason they now have bad blood. If her declaration on behalf of democrats wasn’t sufficient, Tay-Tay is also encouraging all her followers, which includes a huge chunk of 18-23 year olds, to register, vote, and follow her lead. This, of course, lead to the inevitable by racists angry, dejected fans: public displays of lighting her (already purchased and profited off of) merchandise on fire and decrying her choices.

The burning question I have, however, is this: HOW TF IS TAYLOR SWIFT MORE WOKE THAN KANYE WEST RIGHT NOW? I mean, I’m sure it has something to do with his proximity to the succubus that is Kris Kardashian Jenner and her cambion daughters (I mean, their initials *are* KKK…), along with a refusal to medicate for his Bipolar disorder, but…STILL. This is the same dude who, on national television, uttered the words “George Bush does not care about Black people” while we watched New Orleans drowning in Katrina’s waters and her people abandoned on rooftops. This is the same dude who, on his first album, said “Now n---as can't make it to ballots to choose leadership/ But we can make it to Jacob's and to the dealership/ Swear I hear new music and I just don't be feelin' it/ Racism's still alive, they just be concealin' it”. THE SAME DUDE that said "Meanwhile the DEA/ Teamed up with the CCA/ They tryna lock n---as up/ They tryna make new slaves/ See that's that privately owned prison/ Get your piece today” on one of his more recent albums. Ye went from rapping about how the government oppresses minorities he identified with to embracing a fascist looney toon that is literally locking little brown children up in concentration camps, all the while saying he won’t be “bullied” into believing fat meat is greasy. Woof. I don’t claim to know the late Ms. Donda West’s politics, but I’m led to believe this ain’t how she raised him to be.

On the other hand, Taylor Swift, who is probably aware that a large portion of her fan base are children of (and members of) the 53 percenters, is willing to put her career aspirations to the side and stand for what is good, right and just. Taylor Swift, whose lyrics are pretty much all about boys, having fun with boys, falling in love with boys, breaking up with boys, having fun with her girls without boys, etc. etc., is using her real life voice to stand up for minorities with her vote. Taylor Swift, who (in my honest opinion) sometimes can’t hold a note in a bucket when performing live, is holding up her fist in solidarity to resist and reject those who stand with the tangerine tyrant. TAYLOR SWIFT, who was ACTUALLY BULLIED on stage by Hennessy fueled Kanye West, is standing with people who don’t look like her, love like her, or identify gender-wise like her, because she knows that her stance has weight and can change THEIR lives for the better. She’s a very rich, very famous white woman in America—it’s safe to say she’s fine when it comes to how the government affects her personally. She doesn’t even have skin in this game, yet she’s acting more like skinfolk to minorities than a person who is actual. skinfolk. We are firmly in Bizzaro world.

To add insult to injury, Kanye is supposed to be meeting with Pumpkin Spice Putin (you know, because he’s the gross American version…and he looks like a bloated orange gourd) YET AGAIN. To discuss what, heaven only knows. While he’s kissing up to dictators, I think I’ll remove his albums from my iTunes library and make room for an album or two from Tay-Tay. Well…maybe not a whole album, but some singles for sure. I might even dedicate one to Ye…namely WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER. #KanyeIsCancelled

for white women who consider commenting when being quiet is ENUF

(A version of this post first appeared on the citizen.education website.)

Oh boy. Another well meaning white woman has placed her pretty, porcelain-toned foot in her mouth again. And…it’s one I actually like. Help, Fatha. *facepalm*

Bette Midler, who has earned much deserved praise for being a national theatre treasure and a sassy-as-can-be critic of Mango Mussolini, committed a giant misstep last night when she resurrected Yoko Ono’s 1969 trash-ass quote “Woman is the ni**er of the World.” I could write 5,674 paragraphs on how this is one of the most asinine, offensive comparisons ever made, but I’mma save my breath.  Because it doesn’t make a difference. Because when Yoko Ono got flamed for it back then, she and John Lennon just doubled down and made a SONG out of the s#!t three years later. Yes, Beatle John Lennon. Yes, “Imagine” John Lennon. Let’s face it: No matter their race, most (if not ALL) of our faves are problematic AF.

Bette wandered into this minefield while attempting to make a point about the blatant disrespect and oppression women across the planet have experienced, in light of the travesty happening on the hill re: Brett Kavanaugh. Her tweet went on to say: “Raped, beaten, enslaved (‘scuse me? Um…I’m still trying to figure out what woman of European background was “enslaved”, but I’mma let you finish), married off, worked like dumb animals; denied education and inheritance (or reparations…but go ‘head….); enduring the pain and danger of childbirth (Black women 3-4 times MORESO than any other race of women, but still…keep on talking…) and life IN SILENCE for THOUSANDS of years[.] They are the most disrespected creatures on earth [sic].”

People came in hot and fast, letting Ms. Bette know she was on that bullshit. Did she stop, *slide biggity bounce* pause, *shiggity wash it twerk it* and look at God, while contemplating why she was wrong?(My Louisiana people know that reference.) Nah, not at first. She did what any self-righteous tweeter in 2018 does when they are called out: made the situation worse by trying to explain why they were indeed, right the first time. Her follow up tweet read: “I gather I have offended many by my last tweet. ‘Women are the…etc’ is a quote from Yoko Ono from 1972, which I never forgot. It rang true then, and it rings true today, whether you like it or not (ORLY BISH?!?!). This is not about race, this is about the status of women; THEIR HISTORY."

Bette. Ma’am. How you gon’ say something *isn’t* about race when CLEARLY you used race as a descriptor in trying to emphasize and support your claim?!? That’s not how this works. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.  Folks tried again to help her, some even pointing out the obvious, that BLACK WOMEN ACTUALLY STILL EXIST (therefore this wrongheaded comparison shouldn’t…), but good ol’ Bette wasn’t having it. Mama's talkin' loud. Mama's doin' fine. Mama's gettin' hot. Mama's goin' stong.

Next, she tweeted a snippet of Jane Mayer and Ronan Farrow’s New Yorker article detailing the humiliation of Kavanaugh supporter and subject of lascivious limericks, Renate Dolphin, captioned: “SEE WHAT I MEAN??” No Bette. We don’t see it. You know what we see? “From a distance, you look like my friend”, but lady we just cannot comprehend WHY YOU WON’T STOP AND LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE SAYING! Is the wind beneath your wings that hazy and dense?

After HOURS of people attempting to explain why the FIRST tweet was inappropriate, the SECOND tweet was unacceptable, and the THIRD tweet was damn near abominable, Bette offered this olive branch, in hopes of correcting her course: “The too brief investigation of allegations against Kavanaugh infuriated me. Angrily I tweeted w/o thinking my choice of words would be enraging to black women who doubly suffer, both by being women and by being black. I am an ally and stand with you; always have. And I apologize.”

Now, because I am a reasonable person, and tend to take people at their word (when they don’t have a track record of being completely obtuse), I accept Ms. Midler’s apology. I realize that she is a woman of a certain age, who may or may not be well versed in how to conduct herself on social media with the caution and care necessary in today’s reactionary times. (Bette wasn’t ready for the furor that is Black twitter, y’all. They have #Canceled her…even though 65% of them didn’t even know who she was in the first place TO cancel. LMAO) Look—we’re human. We make mistakes. And the most accurate measure of a person’s maturity and willingness to learn is their being able to admit said mistakes and earnestly apologizing for them (even if it takes a few hundred tweets explaining why you’re wrong, and a few hours for the realization to kick in…*sigh*). Bette’s past actions and commentary lead me to believe she is a genuine ally to minorities, who deserves a second chance. She earnestly didn’t know why she was wrong. Now she does. Let’s move forward…but keep this in her file for reference. *side eye*

As a hardline, general rule? White women, lissen. Listen to me. Please.
Don’t you EVA *clap* NOT *clap* NEVA *clap clap clap* compare yourselves to another marginalized group in order to prove you’re oppressed. There is ENOUGH injustice to go around, and we don’t need qualifiers. Y’all are still #2 on the totem pole of world domination, and at least 53% of you in this country are fighting tooth and nail to maintain said position. Yes, women are ABSOLUTELY being maltreated in every corner of the globe. But what we’re NOT finna do is act like being considered a “ni**er” AND a woman isn’t a herculean load to carry for BLACK WOMEN. The irony of saying and thinking people treat “ni**ers” SO bad in this country, that women can be classified as “the ni**ers of the WORLD” isn’t lost on me. The problem is, ni**ers are still treated as ni**ers all over the world too, madam. Whether YOU like it or not, the oppression olympics is one contest you will never win.

Rose, the iconic character Bette portrayed in the musical “Gypsy,” laments in her final number: “Why did I do it? What did it get me?” I hope Ms. Midler is somewhere reflecting on this faux pas and pledging to do better in the future, and that white women who claim to be allies use this as a cautionary tale. Yes, you have every right to lament about your oppression, just not at the expense of other people who have it as bad as, if not WORSE than you. Measure your words carefully, and proceed with caution. Phone a minority friend before you tweet if necessary. Be thoughtful, not harmful. If you choose otherwise, we’ll all be singing another line from that song: “Thanks a lot and out with the garbage.” 

Um...are y'all watching this RWPS?

So…y’all. Can we talk about Succession?

When this show first started, I was slightly interested, but never really committed to watching the whole episode. I thought it was just another jibber-jabber show about white people white peopling, and in this particular racial/political climate I had not the time, mental capacity, or emotional bandwidth to care about WPS*, especially RWPS**.
*White People Shit
*Rich White People Shit

via GIPHY

Oh, how wrong I was.

Yes, it’s white people white peopling, HOWEVER—there is something so intriguing and dark and human about this show that it sucked me clean on in.  Let’s get into it.

Cast of Characters:

Sadistic Santa

Logan Roy: the patriarch of this uber rich family, and head of the 5th largest media conglomerate in the world, Waystar RoyCo.  (Note: These people have billions with an “s”.) Think Rupert Murdoch if Rupert Murdoch were an actual human being and not the trash with sentience he is.

Evil Stepmother

Marcia Roy: his third wife, a mysterious French-Middle Eastern woman whose motives are hard as hell to read, therefore I DON’T TRUST THIS HOE. She seems to want the family to bond, but is also a shepherd for the devil. (PS: Her husband is the devil.)

Tweedledumb 

Connor Roy: the oldest son from Logan’s first marriage, who—bless his little heart—is too rich to know how dumb he is. He’s a crunchy granola republican who owns organic farms and aquifers, because nothing says “I’m environmentally responsible” more than capitalizing off of clean food and water. Currently in love with a call girl named Willa, whose theatre career aspirations he volunteers to finance...but that just seems to be the leash he uses to keep her close.

Oh, Kendall.

Kendall Roy: Logan’s second oldest son, firstborn of the second wife, and heir apparent. Kendall, Kendall, Kendall.  He’s an over-eager, “I can do it myself cause I’m a big boy” ball of daddy issues. He wants the brass ring, but he also wants his father’s approval. Both seem to always be out of his reach.

Toxic Terrible Tweedledumber

Romulus “Roman” Roy: the youngest son. If Donald Trump, Don Jr., and Eric Trump were mashed together into one solid lump of biological waste, it would be Roman. He is incompetent, idiotic, and a harbinger of chaos. I suspect he’s also in the closet, because his performative masculinity is diametrically opposed to his performances in bed with the ladies. And they complain. To his face.

Sassy McSassypants (She wears some GREAT pairs of pants in the show, y'all.)

Siobhan “Shiv” Roy: the youngest child and only daughter. Clearly the smartest of the Roy children and should probably be running the company but patriarchy exists, even in nepotism. She has now branched out to become a political strategist trying to shape the next POTUS. Shiv seems to have severe commitment issues because…well, she’s a Roy. Both the name and the blood put her in a bad position when it comes to giving or receiving love.

Tweedledumbest

Greg Hirsch: grand-nephew of Logan Roy, grandson of Logan's estranged brother, Ewan Roy. Greg is rich white privilege personified; His ineptitude actually got him a promotion. I would say he is the perfect example of #WhiteMediocrityStayWinning, but dude isn’t even mediocre. The only thing he does well is trip and fall into the right situations at the right time.

THIS sad little bowl of oatmeal...

Tom Wabsgams: From “humble, midwest origins”, he’s the newly minted head of Waysat RoyCo's theme parks division…and also Shiv’s boyfriend. Tom is, at his core, a good person—but the allure of being as powerful and rich as the Roys is an intoxicating drug, and dude likes to OD. He can be a complete asshole because he feels he’s earned the right to do so, but knows his place around the Roys. Currently uses Greg as his errand/whipping boy.

Sn 1 Ep 1: Celebration

We start with Logan Roy stumbling out of bed confused and sleepily wandering around his room, where he relieves himself in a corner. It’s a sad and humanizing moment when his wife finds him, turns on the light, and he realizes that he just peed the carpet like a puppy.  She comforts him by saying they’re in the “new place,” but clearly something’s off.

Next, we’re introduced to Kendall, who looks like every stereotype of corporate white boys ever: sitting in the back of a luxury car, rap music blasting in his earphones while he clumsily and swaglessly sings along, hyping himself up for the day.

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Today is gonna be his shining moment—not only will he close a huge media company acquisition deal, his coronation as CEO of Waystar RoyCo is supposed to go public in a few hours (to coincide with his father’s 80th birthday). In the meeting, he swings his money-dick and uses outdated slang to try and convince the owner to sign on the dotted line. It has exactly the opposite effect. Lawrence (the owner of the media company), curves the HELL out of him and calls him a drugged out daddy’s boy. Now, Kendall is the king of trying too hard, but even I said “damn, that was harsh AF.” Lawrence deuces out on the elevator and Kendall goes into damage control mode. A lawyer asks him “Do you want to call your dad?” and that’s apparently his achilles heel. He makes a hasty decision to spend more than originally planned and two seconds later, the phone rings. It’s daddy.

Greg, the grand nephew, is starting his new job at a Waystar RoyCo theme park. He sits in his car getting stoned before orientation, then in pure stoner fashion, does something that gets him fired on his first day. He calls his mom with a lie so unbelievable, he might still be high.  Mommy is over it, because this phone call has interrupted her xanny-nap, so she instructs him to own his privilege and fly to New York to get his grand-uncle to hire him. Which he balks at…because he has to wear a blazer.

Back at the office Roman brings his special brand of energy into the room, talking out of both sides of his neck, and making us question whether he ever takes anything seriously. He dances between calling bullshit on all the corporate nonsense and trying really hard to fit into all the corporate nonsense. It’s hard to tell whether he’s extremely relieved or extremely jealous that his brother will be promoted over him.

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Shiv and Tom are outside a jewelry store, where he is begging for her help on what to get her dad for his birthday. She says her dad doesn’t like things, so just make it look like $10-15K and he should be ok. *RECORD SCRATCH*
Waitaminit.
Ten to Fifteen THOUSAND American dollars. On one purchase. For a billionaire. Who doesn’t like things.

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This is actually where I stopped watching the show the first time. Because say huh say what? Who is throwing around $10-15 THOUSAND DAMN DOLLARS on a gift for someone you’re not even sure LIKES you? My birthday gift cap for people is like $30-$50—and that’s if I LOVE you. You get 10-15 alright….10-15 FIVE DOLLAR BILLS, BRUH. I was like “I can’t relate to this rich white nonsense.”  But I’m glad I came back, because soon after is where stuff started going DOWN.

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At the office again, Kendall is offering suggestions to get Lawrence’s business—including blow jobs and reach arounds—not noticing Logan has walked in. Caught being crass, he instantly shifts from shot caller to scared little boy. Logan claims he’s just stopping by to get Kendall’s signature on “housekeeping” paperwork. Ken tells his dad he might not be able to make the birthday lunch being planned for him, because he’s really trying to lock down the deal. Logan serves him light shade about priorities, and leaves.

Now don’t get me wrong—it’s a parent’s prerogative to guilt trip their kids for not spending time with them (and they’re Catholic, so guilt is their speciality), but you’d think someone as successful as Logan would understand the difference between your kid blowing you off and your kid trying to ensure the success of your legacy…right? This is our first glance into the family dynamic of the Roy clan, and it’s just the tip of the gaslighting iceberg.

Fast forward to the penthouse party:
Logan walks in to a foyer full of family there to celebrate his 80th birthday, and does not seem happy about any of it. Not the party, not turning 80, not cousin Greg showing up on his doorstep, not people congratulating Kendall (who blew off work to come to his dad’s party…#CatholicGuiltWorks), just crotchety and grumpy AF. He tries to feign interest in his children’s lives though...because he wants something.

They meet in another room, and he announces that he needs them all to sign the paperwork Kendall has already signed, which turns out to be documents to put his wife Marcia on the family trust…and give her double voting power on the board of the company when he dies.

*hard squint* I’m sorry…wha?
I’m not even rich but even *I* had a problem with Miss New Booty coming through and taking chunks of a pie she never bought ingredients for, mixed, baked, nor cut, but also, HAVING MORE SAY THAN ALL YOUR KIDS?!? WHAT KINDA SHIT IS THIS!?!?

Oh, an, uh, HE’S NOT STEPPING DOWN FROM THE COMPANY so bump what you heard. #OldWHERE

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I was sitting on my couch with the gas face FOR Kendall.  SOOOOOOOOOOON!!! You. literally. got. sonned. By your actual dad. You literally experienced the origin of the phrase. SOOOOOOOOOOON. Then dude just says “Ok, lunch is ready, let’s go,” and walks out the door like he’s ready to party. Bruh. HOW?

The siblings are dumbfounded and blindsided but, as Shiv notes, it’s typical dad. Kendall ain’t here for that explanation, so he storms across the hall to confront his dad. (Note: Black people, PLEASE don’t ever think you can do this to one of your parents. This is a world we know nothing about. You will surely die if you run upon your parent like this dude did.) He and Logan go back and forth, and we are given another glance at the dynamic between father and son.

You know, some people believe there are only two things that motivate every decision we make in the world: love and fear. Logan intimates that loving concern for Kendall, post-rehab, is his motivation but I suspect the opposite. Logan fears getting old, and his body has betrayed him. So what are the things he can still control? His company and his children. And he will do it with a vengeance.

The conversation then shifts to Logan gaslighting TF out of Kendall about his bad decision making skills, including not having a lawyer review the trust papers HE asked Kendall to sign, and coming to the birthday party (that HE guilted him into) instead of staying in the room and working on the deal. Kendall is standing there with the Authur fist (no, literally) and Logan gets right in his face and says “Do you wanna hit me?…Are you gonna cry?” Wow. Wow. WOW.

Kendall was #BigMad

[Sidenote: Brian Cox and Jeremy Strong are acting their asses off on this show and I really thought they were going to engage in ye olde fisticuffs in this scene.]

Kendall then goes to throw a tantrum let off some steam, and lunch is served.

The rest of the episode goes on to show you more about lives of the rich that I will never understand, like having on-call helicopters shuttle you to a baseball field you own…in the winter/spring…and have a full craft services table set up when you get there), but there are some key moments we’re given even more information about what kind of people the Roys are. One where you will either cheer for Kendall, or think he actually IS the bad decision maker his dad has made him out to be; one where you see just how insane and cruel Roman is; and one where you get a grasp on how important family actually is to Logan…as it relates to business.

Fair warning: the ending ensures you will want to watch Episode 2.

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